Divorce has a huge impact upon children. If yours needs a little help in adjusting then please do get in touch. Resolved! Counselling for Children could help!
Every week I work with people in Reading and Oxford whose parents split up or divorced whilst they were a child. They can be adults in their forties or children under ten. For the vast majority of them it was a traumatic experience and one which can go on to affect them throughout the rest of their lives.
Children, above all else, need security. This is to be found is a psychologically healthy mother whose attention is first and foremost placed upon the child. It comes from parents who establish and maintain a physically, emotionally and lovingly stable environment in which they can grow and develop. It comes from maintaining the illusion that parents are superhuman for as long as the child needs that illusion to continue. There’s more than enough time for children to grow up and realise that adults have very real fears and anxieties. That time, for your child, probably isn’t now.
Divorce, as you know, threatens all of these.
I’ve worked with children and teenagers regarding divorce-related issues in Oxford, Reading, Thame and Wallingford. I also offer counselling and psychotherapy for such things online, using whatsapp and zoom. Please get in touch for details.
Witnessing a parent in distress is emotionally damaging to a child
Children need parents to be strong. This doesn’t mean that they should be emotionally barren and repressed but the child needs the illusion that they will grow to be just as strong and able to cope with their feelings as their parents appear to be. The strong emotions, arguments, tears and rages which separating parents often exhibit will threaten this profoundly.
Of course, children will very likely have been aware of the silences, arguments and resentments, between their parents, which pre-dated the divorce. Children are nearly always much more aware of such things than we think.
Separating or divorced parents will sometimes over-share with their children. Some parents will denigrate the other parent in front of their children. In the worst cases children will be used as weapons against the other parent. Children will suffer from being over-exposed to adult material earlier than is desirable. They will suffer from the agony of divided loyalties, the loss of their home and they will suffer from fearing that their parents are out of control. Their role models will be gone.
Some will respond by shutting down, suppressing emotions with all the dreadful consequences this can bring in both the short and the long term. Some will respond by becoming parents to their parents, reversing roles and, again, suffering from having to deal with somewhat more than they are equipped to handle. Others will act out, exporting their stress, anger and anxiety into school where grades drop and concerned teachers wonder at dramatic changes in behaviour.
Young children are ‘egocentric’. This means that they see the world as revolving around them. In the matter of a parental separation or divorce it can mean that they contrive to see it as being their own fault. If they had been better children then perhaps this wouldn’t have happened…
Bedwetting, panic attacks, insomnia, nightmares, separation anxiety, tearfulness and anger are only some of the problems I’ve seen in those children whose parents mismanaged their separation or divorce.
Even when those parents do none of the above, children are still negatively affected. There’s simply no way to avoid it, although the effects can be minimised. A well trained counsellor can help children to minimise these effects as far as can be done.
What about teenagers? Do they cope more effectively?
Older children and adolescents may have a more developed understanding of the world, of relationships and they may be more able to see their parents as people, rather than superheroes. Nonetheless they will be upset at the family’s collapse. Being teenagers they will be quite likely to hide their feelings from their parents as far as is possible. They’ll commonly try to suppress them.
This, in my experience, often results in rebellious and self-destructive behaviours, experimenting with alcohol, tobacco and sometimes drugs and promiscuity. They will be less amenable to parental approaches and discipline. After all, it may be their view that you messed up their family, wrecked their security and so have nothing useful to say. You’re the problem and have nothing by way of solution.
As I’ve written elsewhere, being a teenager is a fairly scary experience at the best of times. Separation and divorce is hardly going to be helpful, even if the family unit contained abuse of one kind or another.
Responsible parents will do what they can and yet it may be that their own fears, angers and depression will feed into the loop. Parents are only human, after all. Perhaps there is help out there for all of you!
How can Resolved! Counselling for Children help?
I help my child and adolescent clients to communicate more effectively with their own emotions. Sometimes this is through a talking therapy approach and sometimes, with younger children, I help them to process their feelings through play, art or the sand-tray.
I can still remember the first time I helped a six year old girl with her parents’ divorce. At first her play in the sand focused around differing groups of animals being separated out into different, fenced off areas. These groups were in constant conflict, at war.
I worked with her parents and helped them to build a common – post divorce – approach to discipline, communication and so forth. I worked with them all and helped them to communicate better with each other. Their daughter’s play began to change. The fences opened up and the animals began to co-operate and play together. Play was processing her feelings and it was wonderful to see.
If you live in or near Reading, Oxford, London, Thame or Wallingford and your child needs some help in coming to terms with your divorce then please do give me a call. I’ll be glad to help and have plenty of experience in this field. Give me a call and we can discuss how Resolved! Counselling for Children might be able to help you.
You could call me on 01183 280284, email me at paul@resolvedcounsellingforchildren.com or simply use the contact form in the footer of this page. However you choose to get in touch, I look forward to hearing from you.